Spilt Lasagna

sigh... i've let go of the last two fingers... more like let them slip off... so i fell... from 2000 floors up... and i landed... splat on the concrete ground below.. melodramatic as SHE wld say... whatever... i feel like something, someone inside me died... maybe the aly i know... i'm hurt... so hurt that i'm turning bitter and jealous... sigh... will i ever be revived? only time will tell i guess... as for now... gotta learn to not be so bothered by nic... gotta be independent of her... why did i become so dependent on her? i've been so dependent on someone before... why did i love her so strongly n deeply? i've nva loved anyone to such a great extent before... what a joke God's playing on me... now i don't even have the strength to play His game... so drained and tired... gimme some buffs to continue man... or i might just fade away soon... sigh... ='(

dead drunk....

went to nic's on Fri... studied and chatted... bout us... sorry... no more "us"... bout me n her... i dunno why i love her so freaking much... i nva did love anyone so much before... it tore me apart man... totally... went out on Fri and Sat night... drank myself silly before going home... trying to numb myself from the crippling pain i guess... sigh... i gotta get over this... gotta face it and overcome it... but how? shit...

friends...?

what's a friend? hmm... i really don't know... i've tried to answer that question for myself for so long... is a friend someone who'll be there when you're in need? is a friend someone who'll give everything for u? is a friend someone who'll treasure u for who u are? maybe the answer is yes... maybe it's no... i'm so frustrated lately... by a dear friend of mine who seems to treat me like dirt... i mean, i try to give in to her whims and requests, try to make her happy, show care and concern... but what do i get? i won't mind if she didn't do the same for me... but does she have to turn around and start giving me disapproving and quizzical frowns at everything thing i said and did? i mean... what's with the judgement? sigh... someone said that maybe it's cos she cares, that's why she is so picky with how i behave... well maybe... but wouldn't nice words and kind advice work better? not saying anything and just getting pissed at me with whatever i did ain't gonna help... sigh... another issue... my same dear friend... i feel that she's taking me for granted... yeah i admit that we see each other everyday and stuff so there's no need for the smses and phonecalls and stuff... ok maybe i'm in the wrong... shouldn't have bothered calling her in the evenings or messaging her and finding out how's her day... just leave her alone as she wants to be... guess she doesn't need me... sigh... even chian keeps in touch and sends me messages to check up on how i'm doing and stuff... and i'm not even half as close to her as nic... ok yes yes... it's nic if you've been trying to guess who it was... sigh... so what if i meet her everyday in school and stuff? seeing her for prolonged periods ain't what i want... all i ask for is just a lil more concern and care... maybe it is too much to ask from nic... i know how much she likes her time to herself doing her own stuff living her own life in her own world... and me... trying to rob her of that lil fraction of attention away from herself, is considered extra... maybe that's why she's pissed... damn... i'm babbling again... don't know what i'm trying to get at... the last two fingers eh... still ain't budging i guess... still trying to cling on to a hope that isn't there anymore... the part of my heart that's still trying to feel and embrace the warmth and love that's now ice cold... the portion of my soul that's still so enchanted by her... by all that she possesses and all that she is... sigh... this heart wrenching ache that's killing me... squeezing tears out of my already exhausted tear ducts... pain in it's most destructive form... will i survive this? well i guess i will... i've survived through the toughest storms in my life... but then again... all those are nothing compared to affairs of the heart... God save me i pray... that's all i ask... i so wana move on... so don't wana be bothered by whether nic treats me like dirt or not... so wana be able to relate to her as before we were attached... when we were close but i ain't bothered by whether she pays attention to me or initiates to sms me... we're relating fine now... it's just me... just me who gotta learn to rewind the tape... yeah... nic... if you're reading this, i'm sorry for everything i guess... just continue living your life and all... don't have to bother about me... just hope you don't take me for granted... cos... i don't know... i just might be gone before you know it... gone as in... never mind... yeah... just.. hope you'll sometimes think of me this friend and try to keep in touch and stuff... yupps...

friend or foe?

what's a friend? hmm... i really don't know... i've tried to answer that question for myself for so long... is a friend someone who'll be there when you're in need? is a friend someone who'll give everything for u? is a friend someone who'll treasure u for who u are? maybe the answer is yes... maybe it's no... i'm so frustrated lately... by a dear friend of mine who seems to treat me like dirt... i mean, i try to give in to her whims and requests, try to make her happy, show care and concern... but what do i get? i won't mind if she didn't do the same for me... but does she have to turn around and start giving me disapproving and quizzical frowns at everything thing i said and did? i mean... what's with the judgement? sigh... someone said that maybe it's cos she cares, that's why she is so picky with how i behave... well maybe... but wouldn't nice words and kind advice work better? not saying anything and just getting pissed at me with whatever i did ain't gonna help... sigh... another issue... my same dear friend... i feel that she's taking me for granted... yeah i admit that we see each other everyday and stuff so there's no need for the smses and phonecalls and stuff... ok maybe i'm in the wrong... shouldn't have bothered calling her in the evenings or messaging her and finding out how's her day... just leave her alone as she wants to be... guess she doesn't need me... sigh... even chian keeps in touch and sends me messages to check up on how i'm doing and stuff... and i'm not even half as close to her as nic... ok yes yes... it's nic if you've been trying to guess who it was... sigh... so what if i meet her everyday in school and stuff? seeing her for prolonged periods ain't what i want... all i ask for is just a lil more concern and care... maybe it is too much to ask from nic... i know how much she likes her time to herself doing her own stuff living her own life in her own world... and me... trying to rob her of that lil fraction of attention away from herself, is considered extra... maybe that's why she's pissed... damn... i'm babbling again... don't know what i'm trying to get at... the last two fingers eh... still ain't budging i guess... still trying to cling on to a hope that isn't there anymore... the part of my heart that's still trying to feel and embrace the warmth and love that's now ice cold... the portion of my soul that's still so enchanted by her... by all that she possesses and all that she is... sigh... this heart wrenching ache that's killing me... squeezing tears out of my already exhausted tear ducts... pain in it's most destructive form... will i survive this? well i guess i will... i've survived through the toughest storms in my life... but then again... all those are nothing compared to affairs of the heart... God save me i pray... that's all i ask... i so wana move on... so don't wana be bothered by whether nic treats me like dirt or not... so wana be able to relate to her as before we were attached... when we were close but i ain't bothered by whether she pays attention to me or initiates to sms me... we're relating fine now... it's just me... just me who gotta learn to rewind the tape... yeah... nic... if you're reading this, i'm sorry for everything i guess... just continue living your life and all... don't have to bother about me... just hope you don't take me for granted... cos... i don't know... i just might be gone before you know it... gone as in... never mind... yeah... just.. hope you'll sometimes think of me this friend and try to keep in touch and stuff... yupps...

when it's over...

FUCK IT!!! dammit man... i'm typing this lilke for the 6th fucking time... 5 times i had to close the window cos my mum was peeping... then after i typed finish, the page said error and can't load when i clicked on the publish post button... ARGH!!!! anyway, as i was saying... it's over now, between me and nicole... so we're just frens now... purely frenz... closer than just a normal fren though... chumz... yeah... but chumz don't hold hands when they walk together... chumz don't kiss.... haha... but leaning against each other when we sit side by side, embracing each other, i guess it should be alright... just being there for the other when the other needs someone... well at least for me i would be there for her... haha... don't expect her to reciprocate though... don't expect anything from her... yeah... loving someone, be it a fren, family or gf ain't about receiving... it's about giving... sacrifice... i like that word... maybe cos He sacrificed for me, that's why i can so readily sacrifice for the pple i hold dear to me.. yupp... if she does reciprocate, i mean take initiative to be there for me and stuff, then at least it show that she cares more than i expected her to... if she doesn't i won't be too sad or anything about it though... yupps... haha... am i happy about this whole letting go and moving on issue? sigh... i don't know... but i guess it's better for the both of us since one of us has smouldered the flame... there's no sad or happy about it.... it's just something that has to be done... and well, i guess it really is better... at least now there's no tension when we hang out or chat or anything... cos there's no expectation or benchmark that we have previously set for each other when we were attached... it's all so relaxed now... and i'm happy about it... i won't say that i've completely let go... not yet... cos i guess somewhere within me i still love her in more than chumz way... and i still cling onto her... but that's only 2 fingers left... and i'm sure i'll be able to let it go fully soon... haha... so... no troubles about relationships... haha... cos right now i've got a dear fren and many cool frenz too... yeah... about studies... started yday... haha... felt good that i did something... hope i can keep up the progress... but then again, i'm falling ill again... bad flu and fever coming up... can just feel it... my whole body's so weak and tired man... hope it's not dengue again... dammit... i'll just die... haha... kk... time for macaroni... then restring my guitar before trying to study... after that watch Friends then slp... yeah... =)