zzz...

I'm so bored out of my mind. Studying's a chore. Sianz sianz sianz. Not that I'm giving up la. Just here to complain. Haha. Cleared stuff up with her. Hmm. I don't know how she's viewing this. As in her feelings for me and stuff. She said we should remain as we are for now. I'm fine with it I guess. Haha. Though I really wish she would dare to take a further step and let us try again. But then again, maybe she doesn't want to be so tied down especially during this exam period. Whatever the reason, I'll just respect her decision and go with her lor. Nothing I can do about it anyway. Haha. Hmm. Read her blog. It used to be -our- blog till she snatched it away after we broke up. Tsk tsk. Anyway, saw the full progression of our relationship. From rise to fall. Haha. Like watching a history flick. Damn sad. All history recounts are. Yeah. Missing her greatly recently. Better not tell her that. Don't really know how I should behave towards her now. Whether in person or via sms or online. Scared I'll piss her off or something. She seems touchy about me teasing her. But that's me what. To tease people. Joke joke only. Just want to be more relaxed and casual when relating to her, like how ______should be. Haha. Don't know what to fill in that blank. =p Anyways, I guess I shouldn't try so hard to impress her or what la. She already knows who I am and what kind of person I am. Should just be myself. The -real- myself in front of her and other people. Yeah. Shall not be influenced by my peers like *coughs* *august*. Haha. ;-p If we work out then it'll be so cool. But if we don't, as in if she gets another guy in time to come, then I guess I'll just be alone. Haha. Don't think I'll get attached to another girl. Noone seems to attract me to that extent that I want to be with that person. Don't envision myself holding anyone else in my arms but her. Yeah. Hope she comes back. Haha.

Holding out for... you...

Hmm. Had a nice chat with august today. For the first time ever he was willing to share about his relationships and stuff. I'm glad to hear that he would be getting back with ven. Haha. Today was great. Talked lots and had alot of fun while studying. Fooled about and as usual made a fool of ourselves. After that went to cut hair. Haha. Was stranded on an isolated bus stop at Rideout MacDonalds. So we did what we do. Screamed ourselves silly with Linkin Park and Aerosmith songs. Heh. Shiok shiok. Good stress buster. Hahaha. Hmm my haircut was not too bad. Second time got what I wanted. August was happy with his too. Haha. Guess we hit the jackpot this time. Set. Now we know where to cut hair liao. ;-p Well, I don't really know what I want in terms of relationship-wise. At least august knows who he wants for sure. As for me, I know too. But, I don't know. Shit. Contradiction. Haha. I don't know man, whether I should hold out my arm and wait. For her to come running by -again- and sweep me away. That's why I don't dare commit myself right now to anyone. I don't think it will be fair at all to the other girl. Cause I know, deep inside, my heart would always hold on. Right now I'm just surpressing it, keeping it buried. Don't want try to resurface anything either, till I know she's running by, coming back. I'm not sure if she would, but I really hope she does I guess. Mixed emotions, mixed feelings. I'm upset with myself. Why can't all these be simpler? Crap. I guess I'll focus on being friends for now. Don't think about all these relationships and stuff. Can't commit anyway. No time, no energy, no money. I'm broke, stressed, tired and screwed. AAARRRGGGHHH!!! __

I WANA SCREAM!!!!!

ARGH!!! THIS IS GONNA BE CAPS ALL THE WAY MAN!!! THE NAGGING IN MY HEAD, THREATENING TO CLAW ITS WAY OUT. I'M GONNA BURST!!! ALL THIS STUDYING IS GETTING ME ALL FUCKED UP! GGGRRRAAAAAAHHHHH!!! SO... HERE'S ONE FOR YOU GUYS OUT THERE WHO FEEL THE SAME... SCREAM WITH ME!!! In The End [It starts with] One thing, I don’t know why It doesn’t even matter how hard you try Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme To explain in due time All I know, time is a valuable thing Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings Watch it count down to the end of the day The clock ticks life away It’s so unreal, didn’t look out below Watch the time go right out the window Trying to hold on but didn’t even know Wasted it all just to watch you go I kept everything inside and even though I tried it all fell apart What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard And got so far But in the end It doesn’t even matter I had to fall To lose it all But in the end It doesn’t even matter One thing, I don’t know why Doesn’t even matter how hard you try Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme To remind myself how I tried so hard Despite of the way you were mocking me Acting like I was part of your property Remembering all the times you fought with me I’m surprised it got so far Things aren’t the way they were before You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore Not that you knew me back then But it all comes back to me in the end You kept everything inside and even though I tried it all fell apart What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard And got so far But in the end It doesn’t even matter I had to fall To lose it all But in the end It doesn’t even matter I put my trust in you Pushed as far as I can go And for all this There’s only one thing you should know I put my trust in you Pushed as far as I can go And for all this There’s only one thing you should know I tried so hard And got so far But in the end It doesn’t even matter I had to fall To lose it all But in the end It doesn’t even matter

Angels and Demons

Just finished reading the book. It was nicely written. The plot was built on one brilliantly simple yet silly idea, the impulsiveness of an ignorant young priest. The twist at the end was unsuspected. The book surfaced many questions in my mind. Questions that have no definite answers to. Who is God? How do we define God? What is faith? What is religion? I shall not spend my energy trying to dig for answers that are not there. God, faith and religion can only be defined by ourselves. They are how we see them to be. As for me, I know who my God is. He is the Heavenly Father which many Christians and Catholics believe in. He is the One who loved me so much that He sent His only Son to die for our sins, and be resurrected so that we may spend eternity in Heaven with Him. I do not seek to make everyone see God as how I see Him, for I know that He is something to be experienced. In my many encounters with God, I've seen how powerful, gracious, loving and merciful He is. Ever since I re-dedicated my life to God in 2002, I've come to see His hands at work in my life. Saving my family from the chaos it was in, saving my sister from the abyss she had plunged into, and saving me from the wreck I had become from the daily struggles to keep the family together. From a family that seemed hopeless and problematic, God transformed it into something beautiful and loving. There are still times of quarrels and conflicts, but those times are rare, and over minor things that are of no importance. My sister too was transformed. Rage, anger, violence, stubborness and rebellion used to rule her, but they rule her no more. She had changed to someone who shows her love to her family, and her care and concern. Although the past traits still lingered in her, they are under control now. I've seen how He healed me from illnesses that made me to be bed-ridden for 2 weeks and which no medicine cure me, instantly. In many other ways I've seen God's hand at work. Many people would disclaim that by saying it's pure coincidence or by whatever theory they have besides the divine intervention. But I know for myself that it was no by pure chance that all these happened. My soul feels it, and the stirring of the spirit within me confirms the existence of God. It may not be enough to convince others, but it sure convinced me that what I've committed myself to was not wrong or foolish. I've embarked on a journey that has proven itself to be painful and joyous at the same time. But in this exhilarating rollercoaster ride of faith and belief, I've learnt much about life and God. The journey is not easy, nor is the next change in direction preditable. But the end I'm sure of, and that is to stand in front of my Saviour one day and say, "Thank you for everything." I took that leap of faith instead of the leap out of my window that day. And I'm glad I heeded His voice instead of my own cry of hopelessness and despair. Thank you God for all that You've given me. All the beautiful moments too with the person I loved. Though it did not last as I thought it would, I am still grateful. Guard my heart for now Lord Jesus, that I may know that the next girl I hold in my arms would be the one You intended for me. And transform me too, into the man You've intended me to be. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

Blogging for nothing..

Hmm.. i'm so bored bored bored... my left eye has been red since i woke up this morning.. and all they long i've been walkin about slightly blind.. well today was farewell assembly.. had fun bonding with the class.. guess its the last eh... and took lots of photos... haha... just to remember the nice frenz and sweet memories... yupp... wow.. 2 years flew by just like that... i didnt even feel it... maybe cos i was too buried in other stuff to have noticed.. but it sure was a quick journey.. i'll miss my classmates and all man... sigh.. hmm...actually i dun really know what to say... i was pretty inspired to blog this morning... some new concept that i thought of... more like theory.. haha.. but it's gone now... still online right now though.. nothing to do.. wanted to study but i cant exactly focus with this red eye in the way.. haha.. not an excuse lor... it sucks.. yeah.. ok i'm turning in... be back to post my theory if i can recall...hahaha... ;-p