i love you..

It just feels so weird, staring at her sleeping here on the bed in front of me. This is the first time I've sat so close to her while she sleeps, not daring to make a sound or even the slightest movement lest I wake her up. Her face cringed up with pain, her trimmed eyebrows creased in a crooked frown. She looks so weak and helpless lying there, caught in a battle against the pain tormenting her skinny frame. I don't remember her this way. She has always been strong and hardy, able to bear pain and every hardship her own way. Stubborn and unwilling to admit defeat. That is her strongest trait. But she really looked fragile as she lay there on the bed. I can't say I'm very close to her. Cannot even say that I was an influence in her life. Maybe a little, maybe just a slight inspiration, but I'll never know since she will never tell me. She feels like a shadow in my life, fleeting in and out over the years when we grew up. So what is this aching, crippling pain that I feel in my heart as I stare at her? Seeing her in this state, makes me want to cry out. But all I can do right now is to hold back the tears and be strong for her. Holding onto her delicate hands and whispering a silent prayer for her. In me, this thought just keeps running through my head, "I wish I could take your place..." Why is that so? We're not even close. I don't even know who you really are, how you think, and how you behave. So why this thought, why this heartache? I asked God this question, and I think I know why...

Blood runs thicker than water. The love I have for you my lil sister, just runs so naturally. Beyond boudaries, beyond human explanations. Just, another mystery of God. Please get well soon... God, please be with her...

P.S.: i love you...

*burps*

BOO!!! How long has it been since I last blogged?!?
1... 2... 3... 3 months? Haha.

Kinda bored at home today. Came home early from camp and tmr's National Day. Currently staring at the computer. Thinking of going out for a jog but realised that my running shoes are in camp. I think I should start my exercise regime, which I have postponed for a year. =p Hmmm... What to do?

Bored bored bored bored bored.....

All the small things.

It was an awesome week of listening to sermons, hanging out with my brothers, worshipping God with the guitar and reading the Word of God. How sad that it is all coming to and end. My MC ends today, so I have to return to camp on Sunday. What a bore! =(

Series of events have come and gone. The tides of life carries a person on. Either to a place unknown or back home.

In the unknown places, the a person is faced with the difficulties of adapting to his surroundings and environment. To survive he has to brave dangers and be strong. Physically he has to strive on against hunger, the strains of work and injuries. Emotionally he has to harden his mental defense, to stay focus and stay sane, for it is easy to lose one's mind in the whirlpool caused by loneliness and desolute. Time has no place. The days are marked with the rising and setting of the Sun.

I'm not writing that because I'm faced with a similar situation. It is all over anyway if it did happen. And I believe I'm safe back at home now. Time to settle the feelings and thoughts and emotions and go back to living.

"Father God in heaven, I pray that even as I choose to run after You Jesus, to die to myself daily and pick up the Cross, to decrease in every area of my life that You may increase, I hope that You would change me in character and speech. Let my tongue not be used to hurt and tear down, but be used to encourage and build up, to edify and counsel. Let my heart be filled with joy, peace and hope and not of malice and anger and impulsiveness. Let my attitude be of discipline and perseverance, trusting You to unfold Your plans ultimately as I be obedient and follow You. Live Your life through me Oh Jesus Christ. Make me a true Man of God in all aspects. A Man of God is a true gentleman because the fruits of the Holy Spirit is love and gentleness. I need your grace in this Oh Lord. Help me. In Jesus' Name I pray. AMEN."

Blogthings.

Your Personality Is

Artisan (SP) You are both grounded and flexible. You adapt well to new situations. You are playful and free spirited - but you are also dependable and never flaky. You don't do well in conservative, stuffy situations. It's probably very hard for you to keep a normal job or stay in school. You are always up for fun and adventure. Most people are too boring for you. You take risks and bend the rules. And if things don't work out, you chock it up to life experience. In love, you tend to take things quickly - but you have a huge problem with commitment. At work, you need to make your own rules. You're best suited to be an entrepreneur. With others, you are animated and physical. You prefer doing something with friends to just hanging out. As far as your looks go, you tend to be buff and in good shape. Your spend more time on your body than your clothes. On weekends, you need to keep active. From cooking up a storm to running a 5K, you wear yourself out.

The Three Question Personality Test

Your 1920's Name is:

Artie Alfredo

What's Your 1920's Name?

Something to say, nothing particularly important...

I wanted to blog yesterday after reading an entry in my friend's blog. But after a series of events, I lost the determination to write anything at all. My fingers were too lazy to move and my mind was just too spaced out to think of anything to write.

Alot of things have been coming up these days. I'm not even sure whether they are self-inflicted or one of those things that jump out at you from nowhere and catch you off-guard in hopes of knocking you off your feet and landing hard on your bum on the concrete floor. (That was one LONG sentence of crap.) Anyway, I just feel that alot of random thoughts are running through my head these past few days. Thoughts that do not make an impact or even cause me to think deeper and bring about a reflection of my life. They're just thoughts that seem to go through my mind, in from one way and out the other, leaving me totally confused and in a daze. It's like a torrent of thoughts just washing over my entire consciousness and leaving me bewildered at them. Ever sat at the edge of the beach and letting the waves that come in to just wash you over? That's a good analogy of how it felt. So basically, I do not have anything in particular to talk about. Nothing much to report here.

Fine. For the sake of whoever's reading this entry, let me give you something to read about. Just for the sake of reading.

I remember in my VJ life, I used to listen to this song "Welcome to my life" by Simple Plan. In fact, I was quite captivated by it, and I was caught in this idea of this world being part of my life. That everyone's part of my world, my life. Aly-ism. That's the way I live my life and how I expected people to be. My way, my rules. Not that I impose my ideas on them, but just that if they behave out of the my standard protocol of being NORMAL, then that person is just weird. Ok. That was just to give a little background on why I came up with this. Alywin Chapter 3:2. My "bible" code. Not to be disrespectful of my Lord Jesus Christ, the One and only true God who wrote the one and only true Bible which is the Word of God. But I think that it is kinda funny as I thought of my own made-up verse at the dinner table. Alywin Chapter 3:2 says, "I eat so as not to speak." It is to be used at the dinner table when people start saying cold jokes, or even stuff that my tongue itches to comment on. But in my efforts to tame my tongue (which can be very lethal if you know me well enough), I decided to eat/stuff my mouth with rice/food so as not to say a word. And it worked. That momentary urge to speak out passes over and I did not inflict any damage at all.

Ok. That was just something for the fun of it. I think it should be time to end this entry since I really think I have nothing much to say for tonight. I'll be back. Someday, somehow. For now, take care and God bless. In God we trust! I live for peace and love, and you're welcomed to my life.

i've found it...

It was at CG today that made me come back to full realisation what it is all about. THIS was what it is all about. Yes, what this life, being called to live for Jesus Christ is about. It is about praising Him at all points of our life, it is about getting interested in His Word, it is about fellowshipping with His people, it is about Him, in all its perspective and perimeter.

In light of this, all other things can be considered secondary, or even as Paul said, distractions from the original goal that Christ has called us to. Wow...

I really think I can do it, to live this life that God has called me to. I think that during this period when I was recuperating, I really managed to spend time to sort out my thoughts and my position in Christ. I choose to live it to the fullest for God. I want to choose it because I know it is worth it...

I believe that all of us who are called to this one faith in Jesus Christ ought to have the spirit of excellence. That everything we do for God should be done in an attitude of giving the best to God, for His honour, and because He deserves it. But is this enough? I think not. In the measure of Man, it might have been good enough. But I believe that because it is done for our Almighty God, it can be done in an even better manner the next time it is approached. And I believe that is the "and then more" spirit which Pastor Danny spoke of in one of his sermons. To not be easily contented with the present offering of sacrifice/service/praise/participation, but in all things to strive to give our 110% to God. Because, HE DESERVES IT.

This life we lead, is but just a millisecond in the eternity timeline which God has drawn for us. But yet what is done in this flash of what we call a 'lifetime' would be reflected in what happens to us for the rest of eternity. Choose wisely. For me, I choose life, I choose Jesus Christ. What about you?

Feel my despair...

It has been so long since i last blogged. Was either too tired or too lazy to do so. Right now i'm really just forcing myself to type in this entry. Body's too weak and soft to do anything actually. Wrecked by my usual throat infection and fluctuating temperature.

Just spent some time thinking on all the things that i wanted to do, and who i want to be for God. Throughout this year there were two times when i was back on form, ready to run full steam ahead and do the things God has entrusted to me with all excellence and then more. But it seems like everytime the sickening devil would get in the way and cause a major traffic jam in my service. It happened before when i was a psyched up to hold CG at my home before the CG season started. I was trapped in a month plus of work in camp that i even lost the trust and bonds of the brothers i've come to love and care for. Then this time it happened again. The first CG meeting today. I had it all planned out and i was so excited and ready for it. It was gonna be a blast and i believe it would be the turning point for the CG. But the idiotic devil had to come along and strike me down with my most hated illness and render me helpless and powerless. I know i should not be disheartened. But i guess at times like this one cannot help but feel just a little discouraged and melodramatic about the events that have came up. I wish God would give me an answer to all that has happened.

Hmm. It's raining now. So suddenly and with the sky so bright. Feels like the heavens are crying. I feel like crying too. God, where are you in this? I wish i could see Your face. I feel alone. Restore the peace and joy in my heart Lord Jesus.

Guess who's back...?

Yo! Back to blog once again. Haha. I think i've not written a proper for very very long.

Ok just a little update on my life so far.

Inspection was due in camp for the first half of Feb so I was really busy preparing and working my ass off. Days were long and restless nights due to overwork made living only that much more unbearable. It was a trying period for me. Reminded me of the times when I was in BMT when God was more of a helper rather than Lord. Been away from church for nearly a month. Everything seems so faraway and disconnected. God seems so distant. It really got me down. But I thank God for Him still. Somehow in some strange ways He'll make things work out and then everything will be fine again. He calms the storm and brings out the sun. Praise the Lord! =)

Amidst the hardwork and stress, I really thank God for His provision. He gave me a precious gift, a gem that is so amazing and beautiful that words alone cannot describe. His gift really warms my heart and puts the joy in me. Thank you Lord for your gift. I'll cherish with all my heart and life and soul! =)

Alrighty.. Now.. Hope things in camp settle down to a low key so that I would have time to rest, to meet up with my brothers and sisters to fellowship. I believe that everything is linked. You can't survive just on prayer and reading God's Word without the key essence of fellowship. Otherwise, God would have called us all to be hermits right? Heh. =p

ok.. enough said.. i'll blog again sometime.. soon i hope.. haha.. till then, sayonara! ;0)